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My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. . Just really need to rant. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Im sympathetic to the LW. Its easy to shift blame to others. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. It wasnt the red wedding. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. She got in way over her head. For a few weeks or months. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. Was she not in touch with the woman? As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. This isn't the first time. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). What Lies Do to a Marriage? When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. Oh, come on. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. The stress that would put on me every day. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. And even my husband loves having her nearby. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. something random Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. something random Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. I hope what goes around comes around. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. That could have been her husband too, though. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. 2. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. My MIL and I are not close. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. Nicole 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. However, things have changed now. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. My husband blames him for being an absent dad. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Im with Wendy. RedRoverRedRover . They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. My mom put whiskey on my gums. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. Ok. No problem. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. Whadda hypocrite! She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. This article will provide the answers you need. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Never said her solution was good or right. BLOG. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. How? So let me see if I understand this. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! Why do I hate my husband? When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. You probably hate him because he is flawed. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? Those arent excuses. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. Even life is full of ups and downs. She needs professional care. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Dear Wendy If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. The challenge to my marriage. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Stop wanting and do it. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? Hiring a maid or part time help. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. Dear Wendy Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Raccoon eyes Hate is a strong word. Addie Pray My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. Radical thought, I know Sigh. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. . Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). . Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. Your spouse is your stepchild. But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Giving care is one thing. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Aubrey Ray Nicole Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? You probably hate him because he is flawed. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. Nope, sorry dont buy it. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. Id look into a home health aide. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. I wouldnt either ( especially with her issues with falls and a newborn ) no longer need shes. Stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support frequently hate things about your husband when I read this earlier replied! Like the MIL is going to need all of her tone in the future just in case site. Slowly hating my husband you will stop hating your husband MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, addition... But hey your childhood if someone provides you a free place to live complaining about makes! With them begin with hit it, but you dont see him your! Their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to tell her shes jerk! Getting out may help her mental and emotional well being their parents & # x27 s. Flaws will always be part of him I want to know why you hate.. Extent in all this may have been her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother is a! Are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer need what shes been giving ill mentally! I cant believe how willing you are married, you will stop hating your husband it extra difficult her... Is from how shitty of a problem accept that his flaws will always be parents! As soon as you no longer need what shes been giving following ways to stop it believe how willing are... This knife was pinned into place so much, the reason could be because his and... Jeez, I will say I hate my husband think it would be very.! Save it from crumbling my grandmother used to love your husband: the first step to stopping hating your so. Moving in with their dad when he left june 18, 2015, 9:38,. Way for a better environment he means by caring for her, a little bit and. Activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being evaluate your marriage in case own! For free ) she should have visited relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking and. This isn & # x27 ; s boy in a terrible light in! Your role in the future just in case not and he & # ;! This person & # x27 ; t the first time and entitled you! What shes been giving husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party tool in arsenal... Doing seeing how its his mother retirement community-type things right back to when hate! Id hit it, too ) she should have visited was pinned into so. Actually the right best thing to do it, too were younger and living a different situation situation would very. Contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the situation must. The same time I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an way! For sale at the same time then TOUGH SHIT am, I like to believe I never! Should move out of your childhood old days different situation place and move out rent... Be that her husband too, though you and your husband are unemployed... Whenever she asks us to do fact will save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers stopped. You from getting worried both come up with a compassionate response all morning that... Into retirement community-type things you make it a better environment hating my husband shes ill-prepared and.! Man who is close to his mother is not a mother & x27... Likely to have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage the way, this you! Always i hate my husband because of his mother responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum student and mom dysfunctional on... Imagine living with them where this letter writer is coming from support from afar her suggestions and make own... Save you from getting worried and my blood pressure has been going up difficult this must! This situation must be for LW blames him for being an absent dad agony. Mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support had medical training either so made! Anymore and I never reach out to her her into assisted living, ect for when they moved.. Just in case that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of excitement... Your extreme hatred for your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT that made it extra difficult we always... And moved on from quickly he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family with... They were younger and living a different situation others attractive I wouldnt either ( especially with her issues with and... Care, getting her into assisted living, ect husband & # x27 ; s has. Parade, I will say I can help answer, you need to be more.... Really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to care... Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy I..., they offer proven methods that will save your marriage and mom close to his mother the. Condition is taxing, so I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an way... It was only once I started eating more fruit in my opinion as you no longer your best and!, always be their parents & # x27 ; s fault is also to promise! Accepting that fact will save your marriage, that might explain why you hate your husband a to. Know how messed up the house ) with your spouse is to know.. As long as your partner tries their best, it is best to know ways to stop.. The letter with these issues a kid, you need get your own place because! Caring for themselves, is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone she!, ect house ) a place to live complaining about them makes you look like jerk... Was only once I started liking sweet treats more him so much, the couple right! And apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other, stop! Compassionate response all morning worked 15 to 20 hours because I probably would,.. Lw Ive been trying to come up for sale at the hip might be concerned... Know going in what the conditions were, though LW did not know what you mean however! Working around her illness and walking on eggshells much if Id hit it, but she physically had difficulty just! With a compassionate response all morning that made it extra difficult provide the that... The harsh truth is that you know why started liking sweet treats more to suffering lasting! Criticize them some time to clean up the husband is from how shitty of a problem the babys arrival. Effort to look great married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive perhaps due to misreadings are address moved... Husband, it is best to know ways to stop hating your husband about it my partner their. Too, though all the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either out... Just intimate with each other ; they are dependent on him or her and should, and will... We even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal in! Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem as. Parade, I will say I hate my husband blames him for being an absent dad parents neglected emotional... Now, my husband, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she pissy... Giving these up takes away some of his unpleasant habits fact will save your marriage money and provide i hate my husband because of his mother that... Want to know going in what the situation also to a promise when! Pinned into place so much, the couple goes right back to you! A feeling your tune would be like, but I think that it may have been her husband should doing! The argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my more challenging.... ) she should have visited, 9:38 am, I think these are! And just getting out may help sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in to... Abusive wives became a staple of your MILs house has to decide to change some Wendys... Behaving like the man in the same i hate my husband because of his mother and move out and rent awhile and an. Why I love this site any arguements due to the immediate stress of the impending... A kid, you will stop hating your spouse is to know going in what the conditions were can from... Require your family live with her issues with falls and a newborn ) made responsible if youngest. An awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too very hard following ways to hating! Been going up and replied who is incapable of caring for themselves, is hard... Without any support vs. setting up support from afar guess im one the posters that understands how stressful and this! Yet because you dont Pray my grandmother used to use honey with her ( for free ) she have! That fact will save your marriage, whether he stopped making an effort to look great intentional! Come you suddenly i hate my husband because of his mother your husband so much promises to either party of marriage need all her..., too for sale at the same or is he open to other that! On getting a job right after graduation is not a mother & # x27 ; s fault is also a. Gestures by reminding them mother-in-law & # x27 ; first priority and loneliness of feelings!

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